Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

Not if you pay attention. I mean, you're sending all the right signals - no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back, you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it. And if that wasn't clear enough, there's always the "fuck off" sign that you have stamped on your forehead.

Because thats what people do... they leap and hope to God they can fly! Because otherwise, we just drop like a rock... wondering the whole way down..."why in the hell did I jump?" But here I am Sarah, falling. And there's only one person that makes me feel like I can fly... That's you.

So I know, I realize that Hitch is a really corny, cheesy chick flick movie. It has no real place in the real world...

and maybe I don't live in the real world. I found myself. I know that sounds stupid but I found myself. pretty quickly actually after I started looking. The thing is what I found was something I didn't want to admit. That it wasn't him. Me losing myself had nothing to do with him. It was a really freaking nice excuse though. It was.

I found myself in morning workouts, squeezing them in. Getting all 1000 calories burned in 65 minutes between class and work and grabbing a fruit smoothie out the door. I found myself in eating healthy and laughing and remembering that I am a beautiful girl even on the outside. and making time for my friends. I found myself in not talking so much and listening more and remembering to pray before I lay my head down at night. I found myself by not trying to be anyone but me. I found that being friends with my best friend Emily isn't about liking her every day or she liking every little thing I do. It's about loving her no matter what and never wanting to not be there for her. I found myself in my physiology professor saying, "Clarisse this is a class...and work is work...but life...Clarisse don't plan so much that you miss out on life"

In the past 3 years I have quite seriously convinced three different men to marry me. the last one happened in about a week and a half. nondesperate attractive, lives together men. Every single one of these men I quickly detached from, deleted them from my phone and never spoke to again at all costs no matter how lonely I felt.

what if love is really what it's cracked up to be? and I know that's some corny quote by some guy. But seriously, what if it is? What if love isn't always easy and what if the answers aren't always so clear? What if love really is just love. It's just that feeling you get and sometimes you have to wait and sometimes it's immediate and sometimes it's the movies and sometimes it's not?

My life is fine. my life is actually great. I just got into the grad school of my dreams and I am so excited. My current coworkers and my kids are some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I can tell you that God put my 3 other teachers in my life for a purpose for many purposes. So many purposes...I am the smallest I have ever been in my life and it's because I'm healthy. because I run out my troubles and my frustrations. I'm not perfect but hey "people like me" lol as my mom would say.

So you know I'm in a weird kind of love. I'm not stopping my life, my life is good and wonderful and great. But I am in love. Maybe I don't scream it from the rooftops maybe now it doesn't make me feel helpless or lost. Maybe I'm done crying and arguing and trying to change squares into circles. Maybe I'm accepting that it is what it is.

It makes me feel whole. It makes me feel like the world is right and good. It makes me feel like I can handle this crazy thing called life. It makes me a better me.

But I know who me is without that love. It's the same person. The same wonderful, amazing woman.

So I can promise to occasionally go out on dates. To go get coffee (I don't drink coffee) and introduce myself to strangers. To for an hour or maybe even a day to let a guy know a little more about me. To stay on match.com and try to be kind when I check it about once a month because you know at a time I was convinced it was a good place for me. I can be nice and pleasant and kind because that is the woman that I am. and to be honest I love that look that men give me when they first see me dressed to the nine's. That long stare and blink out of realization that they've been staring.

But I found me. You know it didn't take too long. But when I listen to me, to the real me. I'm not scared. and I'm not lonely because I'm not alone. I'm still in love and no you don't have to hear about it. You don't have to understand it and I'd rather you not really ask me questions about it. I'm still your girl, I'm still your sister and daughter and your best friend. If I want to tell you I will. And I understand why you might not understand and why you might think I'm headed down a bad path, that I've been headed down it awhile now and it's time to woman up and move on. I understand that.

To that I say, my feet have never been firmer under me. My head has never been on straighter. My future school is set, my career is set, my finances are fine, my friends and my family are amazing. Maybe I'm a little busy and I could use some help trying to see my niece and goddaughter a little more but besides that I am fine. I'm wonderful. I'm me.

but because I am me. I love. I love in ways that can't be explained. If I were to have a gift, a special gift, that would be the gift that God gave me. And I'm not going to waste that gift. And I'm not going to be untrue to myself. I'm happy. I'm in a weird kind of love. Right now I don't really understand. But I know the decisions I make and the things I do are the right things for me right now. I am confident that this is the way I am supposed to go for better or for worse. My intentions are rooted in love and in the right. To go against that, would be wrong. It would be wrong for me.

So this is my path. I feel confident in my path and although I don't know about tomorrow, I know that I can take it one second, one minute, one hour, one day at all time. Maybe I can't look much farther than that without feeling out of control. But that, that I can handle. I am strong and this is right. And if you don't understand it or you don't approve of it, at the very least please put your trust in me. Believe that this is something I'm supposed to do for some reason yet unknown.

It's right. it's good. and it's true. and one day I'll understand. Right now it's enough to know that I believe in me and the good that is me.

"I can't. I can't get up. It hurts too much. I can't do it alone. I have tried and I keep falling. I just keep falling back down and getting up after that is too much. Leave me here..let me be."

"Clarisse?"

"What? I'm miserable leave me."

"Give me your hand. You're not alone. If you fall I'll break it. We're doing this. We're getting up. It's time to get up. You are not alone and we're going to find you. We're going to find you. It's silly to say we're going to find you. but you're there, you're in there and we're going to find you again. We're doing this. You are not alone"

I'm a lucky girl for having him as friend...

Fire

He said: "Just think it over, and write me a list,
"So we can figure out what we both deserve."
She hardly could believe it, that their love had come to this:
Dividing an' deciding his and hers.
But she grabbed a paper napkin, an' asked the waitress for a pen.
An' one by one, she wrote down what she wanted most from him.

"Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust.
"A little less time for the rest of the world,
"And more for the two of us.
"Kisses each mornin', 'I love you's' at night,
"Just like it used to be.
"The way life was when you were in love with me."

She reached across the table an' placed it in his hand,
An' said: "You know this isn't easy for me."
As he thought about the new car, the house an' the land,
An' wondered what that bottom line would be.
An' a thousand other things that she'd want him to leave behind,
But he never dreamed he'd open up that napkin and find:

"Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust.
"A little less time for the rest of the world,
"And more for the two of us.
"Kisses each mornin', 'I love you's' at night,
"Just like it used to be.
"The way life was when you were in love with me."

Well, he fought back the tears, as he looked in her eyes,
An' said: "I don't know where to start."
An' she said: "Everything on that list in your hand,
"Is hidden somewhere in your heart.

"Honesty, sincerity, just like it used to be.
"The way life was when you were in love with me.
~Honesty, Write me a List~

Today a friend of mine sat me down and she said some things. Somethings I don't want to forget. Somethings maybe I do.

Friday I was accepted into the program of my dreams for graduate school. I've gone to bed crying and woke up crying every night since...this lead me to believe something was bothering me. and that something wasn't the amazingness of getting into grad school.

I've been struggling lately. A lot lately. She said to me, "You've lost your light, your fire, your passion. You've lost it. It's gone." and as I tried to say, well you know I'm in the real world and I work a lot and there is a lot going on...she stopped me and said no. that isn't what I mean at all. "You've lost your light. It's gone, it's out." This time I decided to stop interrupting and I let her talk. I learned I had a wide, overly compassionate, overly wise friend. She talked for a good 30 minutes. and she said-

You've lost your light. Do you remember our freshman year? When you would get so excited for Fridays? You'd go to class and to the gym and you'd come back and take your "Friday nap" to get ready for Friday night and catch up on all the sleep you used to miss. You made the plans. All of our friends went. Your friends always knew each other because you included everyone and everything you could. You never wanted to exclude anyone. You were excited about learning and when you aced a test you celebrated in any way you could. You laughed, you laughed all the time. You bought gifts and cards for people just because they reminded you of them. You always remembered people's favorite things. You loved to make plans. You spent your school time alone and studying, but everything else you always did with someone else. You loved your family. Those years were hard for you. You went through so much but you never lost your smile or your laugh. You cried yes, you got sad. But you could always pick yourself up. You always picked everyone else up. Your daily story could crack up a room. You paid attention to your friends and what was going on in their lives. You never let them slip away.

It was here interjected that those years I made a lot of mistakes. I was hurting and I didn't know how to channel that hurt and that there was more than one night I cried myself to sleep or stayed awake from the fear of my nightmares. I fought with some of my best friend. I did many stupid things.

But she said yes, yes you did. But you learned and you just had a fire and passion. You tried to help. You always wanted to help. You volunteered, you did SARNCO...you knew it was going to be almost impossible and you would struggle and it was hard but you did it. You did it because you knew it was the right thing to do.

Your fire is out Clarisse. You are spending all your time fighting yourself. You spend so much time trying to cope that you forget to live.

I interjected again 60 hour work weeks were not helpful.

...and then I started crying again.

She told me that I couldn't keep fighting myself. That my fire couldn't stay out any longer. That it wasn't fair to me or anyone else. She told me, "when you applied to be a nurse practitioner the, light, that light in your eyes, Clarisse. it came back. You were excited, you figured out how to do it and you did everything you could to a T. and then I saw doubt creep in. Your academic life is not something you should doubt or normally doubt. You're afraid. You're afraid to make a mistake and you hurt so much that you're afraid to do much of anything. You're just coping. You get up, you go to work and class and you do everything you have to do. But you're not there. You're not there baby girl and we miss you. We miss you so much.



I've been fighting myself for so long. And I know it. Lately I've felt okay about admitting that I am miserable and that I don't want to be miserable. I am miserable because I am in love and I am stuck. because my basic belief says that I can love anyone I choose to. That I can adapt. I can always adapt. That people can change. That they do change in anyway they can for someone they care about. There are relationships that I've had that I couldn't change for but it was a choice that I didn't want to. It was something that made me, me.

I am not a needy woman. I hit the ground running every day. I can run my own life. I don't even mind spending time with myself.

But I need someone to tell me that they love me. And when I get done running every day I need some to discuss my day with, so I can laugh even when it's horrible. and when I lay my head down at night, I need someone to be there for me. I need to be held when my world is falling apart. When someone like my grandpa passes away, I need that person to be there immediately. I need someone to understand that I feel every emotion of life so clearly...so strongly that I can't help but cry or laugh. I need someone who makes me laugh. who makes me argue. who makes me giggle and smile. Someone who always says goodnight.

Emily was talking about unconditional love the other day. It was something I'd completely forgotten about to be honest. God help me I know that I haven't been the best roommate or friend to Emily lately...and by lately I mean for about a year and half...about the time my fire went out...because I hurt and I don't want to admit that I hurt. She knows what I have to do. What I need to do and she even knows that I am struggling with every part of me to do it. and I hate looking her in the face and saying I can't do it. and I hate shutting my door because I can't choke back the tears she knows I don't deserve to cry. and I kept saying, "I'm hard to love now though, my hormones are flying, I'm frustrated with my jobs, my body has been rebelling against me and I'm anxiously awaiting to here from grad school." and then she said words that touched my heart but I didn't want to hear then. She said-

It's not about that Clarisse. I might be mad or annoyed with you, but I still love you. I don't just love you when you have your life together or when you're not sad or frustrated or upset. Maybe when you're with him you don't talk to me very much and you get annoyed more easily with me. But I don't stop loving you. Love isn't like that. I might not always like you but I'm still going to love you.

Being impossible, with my fire gone...or at least with Emily weaving in and out depending on if I'm single or not...and she stills loves me.

My friend continued-

Your fire is out. It's not his fault and it's not your fault. You love him, you really do and it kills you because he is so close to what you want. and for the first time, the first time in your life, you can't walk away. Before you were always the one walking away and this time you can't do it. You think you can't do it. When you are together you can feel the love exploding from your heart. but it's not meant to be. you've exhausted all the options. You have to let it go. It's killing you. You're missing out on so much of you. You haven't been to church in ages and you love singing and church. it used to keep you sane. But you've lost your passion for life, any part of it. You've stopped making plans with a lot of your friends. You haven't taken a Friday nap in years. You haven't been spending time with your niece and you haven't had a couple beers with your brother in ages. I know, everyone knows that you're hurting. I know that you love him. But it's killing you. and you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and you have to get yourself back. Your fire or you're going to lose it forever. You've started running again. You know your back won't let you run but you're running to the pier (the pier by lincoln tower)and last week I saw you cry there so hard I wanted to hold you but I knew I couldn't comfort you then. You need your fire, it makes you you.

Right. I'm still crying.

I can't lose me. I'm going to graduate school at the school of my dreams. I'm a beautiful, amazing, talented woman. I've forgotten my laugh and my fire.

But God help me. I swear I'll get it back even if it kills me...I don't want my fire to go out. I don't want to be miserable. I miss me. I miss being happy.

I can't lose me.

Fire

"If I told you that my heart hurt so much sometimes that I want to rip it from my chest with my own little hands, I would fall apart, and I don't have time to fall apart.” Greys

I'm following my gut. Sometimes you have to do that, even if what you're doing seems crazy. Because in the gap between what prudence says we should do, and what our heart tells us we must do, well, there in lies our humanity.

Well I am an Evans and when something bites an Evans in the ass....they have to get the damn bug out of their ass. So if you're offended by the following I'm sorry. but it's gotta get out.

This weekend I was spoken to and treated my bar job like I couldn't even describe...for the second week in a row...somebody called me a bitch and left me nasty notes when I was not, by any means deserving of either...

and I was sat there Friday night all I could think was, I'd rather clean toilets than do this, than to be treated like this. Then to go through all this anymore.

CLEAN TOILETS? that's what I think about my life. That making it better would cleaning toilets and I just started listening to what was going on around me. I started listening to all the people who have decided that they are the judges of my life and I by Sunday night I have become so fed up with myself and with them.

I am 23 years old and I am having a midlife crisis. I never went on springbreak. I was always the girl working, saving money. I'm still saving money...SAVE THAT MONEY! FOR WHAT?

The only thing I really know in my life is that I want to go to OSU's Grad school program and become a nurse practitioner so badly. I KNOW that. I'm absolutely positively sure of that. and even that I had to struggle, to fight every step of the way. to struggle.

and yet the world denies me the basic pleasures of life. My judges deny me this.

I do not have any damn student loans. I'm sure I'll have grad school loans. I'm also sure I'll be making 70,000-100,000 dollars a year to do something I was born to do...

So what am I doing? I'm saving money, every cent because I'm supposed to be saving money. I'm feeling guilty for buying new underwear when my old set should have been thrown away eons ago. I'm not buying scrubs for work because they're too expensive AT WALMART. I'm not buying jeans that fit me or a new car because then I'll have a loan. I'm not going on vacation or taking long weekends or a trip to a cabin or anything...because I'm suppososed to be saving money...

FOR WHAT? I don't get anything I want! Want to know why I'm so thin? Because grocery shopping hurts my conscious and I rarely have time to it. It's so damn expensive I only do it about once a month. FOR WHAT? and because I don't have time to eat. I'm so damn busy running from one job to another so I can save this money for this new car I'm not getting (I am not complaining about my parents getting a new one and me getting the old one, it is a godsend and they are wonderful to even do it. I am blessed with amazing parents).

What am I saving for? I am 23 years old! I don't have any kids and I don't have any life any more. Because I work all the time. I didn't go away to florida for a job or grad school because I wanted to be by my family...why? I work all the damn time and I never get to see them. I don't have time to read novels I want to or take walks or get a damn cat for godsakes, they're "too expensive" too "high maintenance" a cat for gosh sakes not even a dog! I love animals. We have to live in the ghetto to save money. always saving money. save money. save money. do the right thing. always do the right thing? for what? FOR WHAT? I work hard but I can't spend my money the way I want to...

And another thing did you read the quote at the beginning?

"If I told you that my heart hurt so much sometimes that I want to rip it from my chest with my own little hands, I would fall apart, and I don't have time to fall apart.” Greys

CAN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? The relevance of that? I just...NO SERIOUSLY. Every night I go to sleep and I have to force myself to not miss him. to NOT MISS HIM. do you know how long it's been? Do you have any idea how many men I have valiantly tried to date in his place? For the love of God I'm on fucking match.com! I can't do it. I can't okay? I CANNOT stop loving him. I can get through my life miserably without him. I can deny myself his company and I can pretend that I am okay and I can pretend to date other guys that everyone says are "just so perfect for me" that I hate and despise and loathe. But that's what everybody wants? I am not saying he is a saint and he has sent me to my knees in tears more than once. I will not say he hasn't made plenty of mistakes but can't anybody, ANYBODY at all stop saying that I'm young and naive and I don't understand about love and I'm confused. and I'm just being young and stupid and I'm not mature enough to understand?

WHO ARE YOU to judge me here? and now I'm not capable of making the judgement call of whom I love? BUT I WAS CAPABLE Of dealing with my uncle fingering me before I had my real first kiss or first real love? I was capable of having him try it again after I had back surgery? I was capable of keeping it a secret to keep the family together? and I was capable of dealing with it. I was capable of dealing with when I learned it wasn't only me, when I learned he'd been accused of being a peeping tom and then, then I knew it wasn't just me and I had been so SO SO SO fucking wrong in not exposing him in the first place that I dealt with it the only way my 19 year old self could by getting myself so drunk that I got myself raped by someone I'll never know. Then by dating a guy that decided he could knock me around and that was ok as long as he didn't actually hit me. Until an old friend of mine and I started talking at a party and he pushed me down a fire escape and accused me of cheating on him. I COULD DEAL WITH ALL of that. I could deal with finally telling and breaking up my family and my grandpa's funeral and feeling the pure ice in the air and the stupid ass coming back to Youngstown and me begging my daddy to not kill him even though he deserved it because it was right to keep my dad with the family. Not locked away. I could deal with ALL OF THAT. Most of it on my own before anyone had a damn clue. I dealt with that the best way I could. I have been through so much more than anyone could EVER understand but I'm not allowed...I'm not mature enough to decide whom I love? I'm not?

Who was with me when I had a SARNCO case too close to home that sent me off my rocker? Who was with me when I had to tell my best friend since I was born that I couldn't be in her wedding even though I loved her to death. Who was there all those times I lost it. All those times I couldn't handle life? Who was the only person that could comfort me after that ass decided to come back to Youngstown and I had to talk my dad down (thank God my brother got to it first and was wise way beyond his years...but still). Who was there?

but yet everyone else gets to judge. gets to decide whether or not I should or should not love him. Or whom I should or should not love...because I'm not wise enough in the ways of the world. because I don't understand...because I'm too young...

I think that's pure bullshit and for all the hell I've been through in my life I think I've kept it together really damn well. So I don't want to hear it any more. I don't deserve to be judged. I don't deserve to have to live my life and save all my money and date and be with guys that everyone else decides that I SHOULD be with. Because everyone else has no damn idea. and they need to keep their heads out of my business and they need to respect me as an adult. and if I do fall that's fine and if he and I aren't supposed to be together that's fine too. but that is OUR business. That is nobody else's damn business and they'd best recognize that. Because Lord knows I am tired of the judgement. Trust me...do not play with fire. Accept me as I am, because from now on, that's the only way I intend to be. I am going to live for me and my own and what makes me happy because if not I am going to lose every inch of myself and everything that I hold dear about myself. And above all else, I will NOT sacrifice myself, I will NOT lose myself because the world wants me to. I will not.

Broken-hearted Girl lyrics

You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me how is that?

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day
I don’t wanna be with out you babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that
I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken-heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl…No...No
No broken-hearted girl
I’m no broken hearted girl

there`s Something that I feel I need to say
But up to now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I want to put this out
You say you’ve got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel you’re not deserving me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one and yes
There are times when I hate you
But I don’t complain
Cause I’ve been afraid that you would walk away
Oh but now I don’t hate you
I’m happy to say
That I will be there at the end of the day
I don’t wanna be with out you babe
I don’t want a broken-heart
Don’t wanna take breath with out you babe
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way no no
I don’t want a broken-heart
And I don’t wanna play the broken-hearted girl...No…No
No broken- hearted girl
Now I’m at a place I thought I’d never be…Oooo
I’m living in a world that’s all about you and me…yeah
Aint gotta be afraid my broken-heart is free
To spread my wings and fly away
Away With you oooooo
yeah yeah yeah, ohh ohh ohh
I don’t wanna be with out my baby
I don’t wanna a broken-heart
Don’t want to take a breath with out my baby
I don’t wanna play that part
I know that I love you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way..No..No
I don’t want a broken-heart
I don’t wanna play the broken hearted girl..No..No..
No broken-hearted girl
Broken-hearted girl No…no…
No broken hearted girl
No broken hearted girl

Water Runs Dry

I love a man...that nobody wants me to love.

I love a man with all my heart and soul, with everything I have, with everything I am, with every single little piece of me.

Some might think it childish. I tried, I tried so very hard to not love him. Maybe some think I didn't try hard enough. I cried myself to sleep. I threw away our stuff. I dated other men. I contemplated marrying another man. I even said I love you to another man.

I cried myself to sleep for months. Everyday I have painted a big fake smile on my face and I have gone through all I thought I could take...and then taken more.

Misery. heartbreak. they seem to be the same. An ache I couldn't fill. not with walks or the gym or journal entries or other good men. Good men.

And I just. I just want to scream so everybody understand I tried, and I tried hard. and I had to suffer alone. and I tried, I tried not to cry, to be a big girl and I tried, I tried, I tried not to love him one damn bit.


But I do love him. and I don't just..."love" him. I love him. My life is completely wrong without him. and honestly if came down to it, I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than not with him.

His faults are many, his mistakes are many. But we are human. I know some of the people who love me the most won't understand at all. They will stare at me and say, he's not good enough for you, you're being childish, why didn't you wait for the heartbreak to dissipated a little more? You should have tried harder.

and to them I say...I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I love him. Would you rather I settle down and marry someone I don't love but that fits the mold for the rest of you?

I love him, I love him with all my heart and soul and me...every part of me..every single part of me knows this.

Right now, I know I made the right decision for me in my heart, in my everything that is me, this is the right decision.

and I hope the rest of you will forgive me...but I just had to do it or I wouldn't be me or able to look myself in the mirror ever again.

I love him.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need...

In the end, the person that we have to please is ourselves.

That's hard for me sometimes.

I'm learning more and more that this is my life. I'm the one who wakes up everyday and deals with it.

I know that I talk to others about my life too much. I'm trying to get better. To learn how to deal with my life on my own. To struggle without complaining. To help myself up each time I fall.

Today was a bit of a rough day. Not for any particular reason. Just a series of unfortunate events if you will.

But in the end......

Katherine Watson: Quiet! Today you just listen. What will the future scholars see when they study us? A portrait of woman today? There you are ladies. The perfect likeness of a Welesley graduate, Magna Cum Laude doing exactly what she was trained to do. Slide. A Rhodes scholar. I wonder is she recited Chaucer while she presses her husband's shirts. Slide. Heh, now you physics major's can calculate the mass and volume of every meat loaf you ever make. Slide. A girdle to set you free! What does that mean?... What does that mean?... What does it mean? I give up. You win. The smartest women in the country... I didn't realize that by demanding excellence I would be challenging... what did it say?
[walks over to student's desk and picks up newspaper]
Katherine Watson: what did it say? um... the roles you were born to fill
[looks up at Betty]
Katherine Watson: is that right? the roles you were born to fill?... It's uh it's my mistake.
[drops paper and walks out of classroom]
Katherine Watson: Class dismissed.

As women today we have a different role than we've ever had.

We're not housewives, in fact now we're supposed to be smarter, to have our lives together, to know what we want earlier. Men are marrying later, they're allowed to have the extra time to get their lives together, but women...we still aren't.

When we go to college we're supposed to know what we want.

How could we know? Before we see the world? Before we know?

School is a place where you do begin to learn. You learn how to learn material in books.

But the real world, that's where you learn about life, about the real world. And you can't get there until you're done with 4 years of school if you follow the rules of propriety.

But when you're from a small town and you were always afraid to do anything that would look back or upset your parents you have so much LEARNING to do. And I don't blame parents or anything like that, I'm just saying it's your first life experience. and it's hard. life teaches you lessons by consequences. You don't get to study and know.


and to be honest none of us HAVE the answers, not our parents, not our best friends, not even our pastors. We each have our own separate path that we have to find OURSELVES. and that's HARD when the role of your gender is changing too. You don't know what expectations are, and even if you did, every generation in order to get better has to change from the last. You have to forge a way in a new direction.

Nobody can tell you what your path is or what decisions you are supposed to make.

At the end of the day you have to decide what you can take, what you can handle and what makes you smile and truly happy. No one can tell you that. No one can.

and that's hard because you spend your life asking the people who know things how to proceed.

if your car breaks you ask someone who knows about cars, you don't just try to fix it yourself. You always seek guidance.

but then you grow up and you HAVE to do it yourself, your parents, your loved ones, your best friends, they can't help you. and it's not because they don't want to, it's because they can't.


so right now. right now. I'm stressed and I'm overwhelmed. but I'm happy. and I truly believe I'm making the right decisions for me. and I'm not positive, but I can't be.

and I know, trust me, I know there are people who wish I would make a few different decisions and trust me, I don't blame me, I can understand where you're coming from.

but I'm happy. and that's all I can ask of myself right now. and hopefully, that's all anyone else can ask of me. and hopefully no one will doubt my choices, or at least believe in me enough to realize I have to make my own choices, my own rises and falls and that if I'm making it, know that I have enough of an upbringing to realize what I'm doing and that in the end, I'm going to make the best decision I can, for my happiness, to my heart and to my life.

Didn't Know My Own Strength
Lorrie Morgan
_____

I've been livin' with a heart on the mend
Wonderin' how will I ever be strong
I know I'll live to love again
I just leaned on
you too long

CHORUS

I didn't know my own strength
'Till I had to pick myself up
And carry on without your love
Oh, I'm gettin' back on my feet
It's been a long hard fall
But I'll make it after all
I didn't know my own strength
I've had oceans of tears to get through
And the weight of the world on my mind
There've been mountains of memories to move
And I've been beating back the blows to my pride
But 'Til the times got tough
I never knew what I was made of

CHORUS

Then the times got tough
And I knew what I was made of

Ex-Factor
Lauryn Hill
____

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

[Hook:]
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

[Repeat Hook]

Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me

Been away, haven't seen you in a while.
How've you been?
Have you changed your style and do you think
That we've grown up differently? Don't seem the same
Seems you've lost your feel for me

So let's leave it alone, 'cause we can't see eye to eye.
There ain't no good guys, there ain't no bad guys.
There's only you and me and we just disagree.
Ooo - ooo - ooohoo oh - oh - o-whoa

I'm going back to a place that's far away. How bout you?
Have you got a place to stay? Why should I care?
When I'm just trying to get along We were friends
But now it's the end of our love song...

So let's leave it alone, 'cause we can't see eye to eye.
There ain't no good guys, there ain't no bad guys.
There's only you and me and we just disagree.
Ooo - ooo - ooohoo oh - oh - o-whoa

So let's leave it alone, 'cause we can't see eye to eye.
There ain't no good guys, there ain't no bad guys.
There's only you and me and we just disagree.
Ooo - ooo - ooohoo oh - oh - o-whoa

I want to write this here.

So if by chance.

he gets into my head and somehow all that I know, know in my heart and my head goes out the window...

my boyfriend. has a girlfriend. and it isn't me.

and that is a true statement. no matter what he explains or says or anything.

and he doesn't care about me. and he has to go.

It hurts now, it's hurt often and now it has to go so it can get better.

so I can get better. and everything can go up from here.

The Answers

The problem with life is that there aren't any definite answers.

I'm a girl who likes to get an idea and then look at all the research on that area and then make a decision. I like to see what the research proves.

But life isn't like that. and it's so frustrating. so very frustrating. Nobody knows the definite answer and half the time you can't even make a rather educated guess. Life is just a guessing game. You don't know if this job is going to make you happy or if it's going to make you scream. If you should have asked for another dollar. If you'd have been happier if you'd gone straight to grad school. If you had a new car. What kind of new car? How much of a car payment can you really afford? What's the best car for the money and your life that's still unexplained?

Will going to church really made baby jesus notice you more? Should you work that 70-80 hour work week every week even if it makes you miserable?

There can be input. you can think for hours and hours and hours. you can make lists.

and in the end, the decision that seemed like it was the best at the time can still fuck you.

I thought I'd love my job. I hate working all the time.

I lost 22 pounds in a year without meaning to.

The perfect job went up but I don't know if I'll get it or if I'll be stuck doing things I don't want to.

Should I quit bws? Why didn't I go to grad school immediately? what do I want to go for? when am I supposed to find time to study for the GRE? When did I become such a horrible eater?

Life doesn't come with clear cut answers. And you can take the input of what you get, you can take all those answers that you know and you can make your pros and cons list. and you can search and think and run and cry and pray...

and in the end it's still a chance...there's still a chance that you might have been wrong.

I love a man with all my heart. all my soul.

and I could give you a hundred reasons why I shouldn't love him. I can tell you that my friends pray that he moves to Alaska and never speaks to me again. That I can move on and be happy.

What do I want?I don't know. I know that I've been happy these last few weeks without him. Sad to a point, but happy. Not sick with anxiety or frustration. Living life. breathing in and out.

I know that I have a lot of men on my plate right now. I'm not exactly sure why. It's not always that many men knock at my door. There are always men, but never quite so many all at one time.

and I can block him out, I can try to be happy. I am happy alone I know that.

But I have....I have options on my plate. A med student who knows how to use the phone. The type of boy I was made to marry. A fellow valedictorian, enjoys discussing parts of the brain. white.

and short. and doesn't accept me. thinks I'm a little chubby and that I'm not really bright. bright, but not really bright of course. Realizes that I'll make a good a wife, that kind of girl he's supposed to marry and breed with.

long vacations, no money worries. no worries about their feelings and hiring my education. not worrying about making more money than he does. no racial issues, no cultural issues. peas in a pod.

The beautiful, tall, funny sexy boy I work with. The one who makes my cheeks flush and my heart race.

and all the other options out there that I haven't seen yet. options, options, options. but no answers.

but they all. they do it wrong.

The man I love doesn't have all the answers. and he messes up. a lot. and he's terrified of the word girlfriend and he can't utter the words "I love you" without a stiff drink. he doesn't call. and he's been unfaithful in the past...

there's not telling that he won't cheat again. Many people say once a cheater always a cheater. My best friend Emily Galan proved to me in real life that that wasn't always true. Even though if you researched it. if you rhymed and researched it and made lists you'd say yep. that's true.

but life doesn't have solid answers like that. It has suggestions. and mostly we adhere to those hard and fast rules because we hate to face reality. that there isn't a pattern or a percentage or a way to figure things out.

Because that is terrifying. I'm terrified of it. I want rules and reasons and things to get A's on. To know that it was right. or wrong. but an answer.

The man I love can be an asshole. He can make horrible decisions. He can make me cry.

Granted so can my boss and my best friend and my parents and just about anyone I know.

It would be hard to start again. There wouldn't be any guarantees that he wouldn't do all the things he's already done again and again and again. In fact if the past is any indication he probably will.

But when it comes to this decision I don't care about all that. I mean I do but...I get over ridden with other things. Like his arms are the safest place in the world to be. and when he hugs me he means it. and the way I don't have to talk to tell him what I want or need sometimes.

So when he says he's trying.when he begs for the chance he shouldn't get...who's to say what the right answer is

I know what the more popular answer is. I know what my good friends and family who have my best intentions at heart want to happen. I know how hard it would be if even after he convinces me that he really loves me and he's ready to convince my family and friends.

but I still say there is no hard and fast answer.

I believe that he is at least one of the loves of my life. I believe I deserve to be treated a million times better. I believe he's screwed up a million times and doesn't deserve the time of day or another chance.

and I believe that I love him

and that in the scheme of things I don't have an answer yet

Are we there yet?

Sometimes in life I find myself lost.

Okay most time in life I find myself pretty lost.

But sometimes it just feels so lost.

Like I'm totally head over heels in love with this guy right?

But...I can't tell you why.

I mean I love him. and he does sweet things but.

I wanted flowers, lots of flowers and walks and long talks and already warm bed to fall into when I'm late working or researching.

Just someone who I felt cared about my life.

and that's not...exactly what I mean..he does care.

but I feel like he's so...like he honestly doesn't know how to care and my reaction is to help, to make it better.

so I tried my hardest with that for awhile.

and then when I just couldn't take all the hurt from him not understanding how to constantly connect with another human being I gave up and I told him so.

But I'm empathetic and I care and I care a lot and I love this man right?

so when he begged for a chance....he just kept begging and anyone who knows me knows I can't intentionally hurt like that.

so I gave in. and for awhile it was great.

and now I'm back to being ignored.

but to him it's not even ignoring but I just want to matter. I want to matter ALL THE TIME EVERYDAY EVERY MOMENT.

If I have a bad day I want to be able to tell him and I want to be able to take long walks and lay on blankets and for the love of God go on dates and get dressed up once and awhile.

my life is so so so so busy but I...I make time for things that are important to me and sometimes it's hard like with my best friends lately but I am doing the best that I can.

and honestly I want to spend the time I'm spending with him...with them...

because they REALLY care. they REALLY get it. if I needed them at 3am in heartbeat they'd be there. because I have two really great amazingly wonderful best friends...

so shouldn't my relationship be like that?

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, I think he's a great guy, that's why I love him and I've been dating him so long. I think he's an amazing person.

but it's just so damn hard all the time. I've learned so much. I'm so much more independent and I know so much more about me and I needed him to learn that.

But now I've learned and I know what I want.

long walks, flowers, sitcoms, making dinner together, reading together, intelligent discussions and silly ones, a shared puppy. silly things. dress up times, sweats times. no makeup times.

he gave me what I needed. he helped me through a year that at times seemed near impossible. he gave me a soft place to land when he wanted to.

but I need more than that. I give more than that and I need it. I need him to tell me to have a good day like my daddy did EVERY morning when I was in school. I need him to know that's important to me. To just randomly think of me. to surprise me with chocolate and dinner.

I have many good memories. but I'm tired. I'm tired of thinking of what I say before I say it and never knowing when I'm going to drop off the face of his earth for a couple days.

EVEN if life is so hard and busy and you want to scream and you hate the person you always always always talk to them if it's the real thing. You don't always say or do the right thing but you don't block them out. That's not how it works. People are the most important thing. not work. not school. not anything. your family and your friends and the people you love and care about. you make it work the best you can.

and you're just THERE. you're there when it's not convenient. When you'd rather be doing anything else. but you're there. you're there when they get into a car wreck and every chance you get you tell them that you love them and show them. you show them how much they mean to you.

and they don't have to beg for your affection because you give it willingly because you love them and want them that much.

they never wonder if they're not good enough or they hurt you and you don't want to talk to them about it or....

they just love you. and it's that simple. they love you. it's not always easy but you never doubt that. you never doubt that they love you. that you're their person, the one person they can go to no matter what.

and that's just how it is.

but it isn't. it isn't that way. and lord knows I tried a million times over. and I still love him. unquestionably, undeniably.

but I love me too and I know, I know that I can make it on my own for awhile.

because sometimes....in the words of very wise friend...it's just not meant to be.

and no matter how badly you want a circle to fit in a square hole.

it just won't.

and it's incredibly sad. and it hurts a lot.

but in the end...you still know it's not right. and you know what you need and what you want.

and in relationships and jobs sometimes you have to do the scary thing and to put yourself out there all the way. and make some changes.

and you have to let go. even if it's scary and it hurts and it's awful and you cry a lot.

because you just can't fit squares in circular holes. or circles in square holes.

Sometimes in our lives we realize that we have absolutely no control over all the things we thought we had control over.

and sometimes, right at that moment that we're ready to throw in towel. When we say, I've finally, I've just had enough.

People surprise the hell out of us. completely and totally.

and we blink our eyes and realize that we almost walked out on love. because we were tired. Mother Teresa said

Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.

today that hits so close to home. Last night as I felt my body begging for sleep...

I just...I have my laugh back. my real laugh that tells me that the no matter how bad life gets I can make it, I'm going to make. That laugh that reminds me that in reality it is not that bad. No matter how tired or how crazy.

I have a soft place to land. I place of my own. I've always had a soft place to land with my family but now I have to a soft place to land all of my own.

With the man that I love.

Yes, I'm still in love.

and perhaps now I'm more in love than ever because this time, this time I released him. and I learned more about the person he really is than the person I was trying to force him to be.

And I can tell you that no matter what...at the end of the day he's still going to be there. and sometimes it's going to get hard. and maybe it should not have been so hard so fast.

but the man I fell in love with, the one who almost scared me with how fast he fell in love with me? Yeah. I found him again.

and I don't know what the answer is for tomorrow or next week or next year. I don't know if one day I'll wear a wedding band from him. But I can tell you this. That right now, right in this moment, the answer is to love him and only him with absolutely everything I have. I don't want anybody else. Even in my most frustrated moments, I didn't want anybody else. Even in the moments I threw up my hands and cried and thought "WHAT WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?" I never wanted anybody else.

and maybe my path is a little bit different from everybody else's in my family. but it's I've never felt so strongly about being on the right path. I love this man with all of my heart and nothing in the world is going to change that.

I was so tired last night. I've been so tired all weekend, but this morning when I woke up and I was so tired, so tired...as I felt his arms wrapped tightly around me and heard his steady breathing and felt his warmth and really...his love. even though I was exhausted I lasted this whole day, this whole long 7-7 day because I had that love and I had my joy returned to me. Even in my absolute exhaustion I could see the joy in my kids today. I could remember what joy felt like, because I had it in my heart at the moment. At this moment I can feel the joy.


and now I'm getting old enough where I can say, hey I'm not perfect and sometimes I make bad or stupid decisions, but those decisions, those stupid things, they've helped to make me who I am. and right now I'm stepping out on my own for the first time. but I'm not afraid. I know that I will make it. but not just that I'm going to make it. that I'm going to make it with joy regardless of what life throws at me. maybe not joy every single moment of every single day but I am going to make it. and I'm going to be happy.

Last night I just. this whole past weekend. I looked at this man and I remembered in every moment why I loved him so much. Why he made the laughter bubble out me. and I think we will find the balance now. I know that he will be there. I know that he will make me laugh and I know that I can call him honey and sweetie and baby and it'll be ok. and I know that he'll take me in his arms regardless. and I know he's not lying to me. and I trust him with all I have.

and I couldn't be happier.

[V1:] Take time to realize,
That your warmth is. Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

[C:] If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now.

[V2:] Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
Didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
No its never gonna be that simple
No I can't spell it out for you.

[C:] If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now.

[V3:] It's not always the same
No it's never the same
If you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

[C:] If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder
Just realized what I just realized

OoOoOOo

Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now

Realize
Realize
Realize

“I know people die. People die in front of us everyday, but I believe Meredith will survive this. I believe, I believe, I...I believe in the good. I believe that it's been a hell of a year and I believe that in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary we will all be okay. I believe a lot of things. I believe that...I believe that Denny is always with me. And I believe that if I eat a tub of butter and no one sees me the calories don't count. And I believe that surgeons who prefer staples over stitches are just lazy. I believe that you are a man that made a terrible mistake marrying Callie and I believe that because I'm your best friend I can tell you this and we can be okay. I believe that even though you made this mistake you will be okay. I believe we survive, George. I believe that believing we survive is what makes us survive.”
-Dr. Izzie Stevens

Jen)
Now you been holding me down mm
For such a long time now
From back then to now in my story
Straight from the hood
You've always been there for me

And you had my back when they
Back when everybody said I wasn't anything
It was you that kept me holding on
No matter what was going on
So whatever you need I got you yaa

(Joe)
Reminiscing that 6 train from way back
Now it's skyblue Phantoms and stretch Maybacks
For sweepin them floors in them Bronx apartments
Mira esta que ta on the red carpet
When Pun died you was the first to call me
I never told you
But you was there for me
Whatever you need, I be there for you
Crack, I got ya back, for real, true story

(Jen)
Now my loyalty will always be
With you if you just promise me
That you'll stay real just like you are
Cuz baby you don't have to change no...

Chorus

(Jen)
You dont know how much you mean to me
Whenever your down you know that you can lean on me
No matter the situation, boy I'm gon' hold you down

(Fat Joe)
You dont know how much you mean to me
Whenever your down you know that you can lean on me
No matter the situation, girl I'm gon' hold you down


Verse 2

(Fat Joe)
Yo, 2005, Rakim and Jody Watley
Watch me paint a picture so perfect
Quite possibly
The realest frechest from BX to Southbeach
I'mma always hold you down, girl
You can count on me

(Jen)
So remember this whenever I call
We go back too far, we been through it all
Even though, we haven't spoken so long
Ain't nothing change, not a damn thing baby


(Jen)
Now my loyalty will always be
With you if you just promise me
That you'll stay real just like you are
Cuz baby you don't have to change no...

Chorus

(Jen)
You dont know how much you mean to me
Whenever your down you know that you can lean on me
No matter the situation, boy I'm gon' hold you down

(Fat Joe)
You dont know how much you mean to me
Whenever your down you know that you can lean on me
No matter the situation, girl I'm gon' hold you down

Verse 3

(Fat Joe)
Like *something somethin*
This industry
Yeah my father made me this way
Get between me and J-Lo
I simply stay
you better off sweepin leaves on a windy day

(Jen)
So I don't care about the situation
I'ma ride for you
If there's a complication
Cuz everytime you had my back and all
When we were young
And now you're Joey Crack and all

(Jen)
Now my loyalty will always be
With you if you just promise me
That you'll stay real just like you are
Cuz baby you don't have to change because...

Chorus

(Jen)
You dont know how much you mean to me
Whenever your down you know that you can lean on me
No matter the situation, boy I'm gon' hold you down

(Fat Joe)
You dont know how much you mean to me
Whenever your down you know that you can lean on me
No matter the situation, girl I'm gon' hold you down

(Both)
You dont know how much you mean to me
Whenever your down you know that you can lean on me
No matter the situation, I'm gon' hold you down

(Both)You dont know how much you mean to me
Whenever your down you know that you can lean on me
No matter the situation, I'm gon' hold you down

I have often dreamed
Of a far-off place
Where a hero's welcome
Will be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer
When they see my face
And a voice keeps saying
This is where I'm meant to be

I'll be there someday
I can go the distance
I will find my way
If I can be strong
I know ev'ry mile
Will be worth my while

When I go the distance
I'll be right where I belong

Down an unknown road
To embrace my fate
Though that road my wander
It will lead me to you
And a thousand years
Would be worth the wait
It might take a lifetime
But somehow I'll see it through

And I won't look back
I can go the distance
And I'll stay on track
No, I won't accept defeat
It's an uphill slope
But I won't lose hope
Till I go the distance
And my journey is complete

But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part
A hero's strength is measured by his heart
Ooooooooooooooooooo
( guitar solo )

Like a shooting star
I will go the distance
I will search the world
I will face its heart
I dont care how far
I can go the distance
Till I find my heros welcome
Waiting In your arms

I will search the world
I will face its harms
Till I find mt hero's welcome
Waiting in your arms

In the circles I've been running,
I've covered many miles,
And I could search forever for what's right before my eyes,
Just when I thought I'd found it,
It was nothing like I'd planned,
When I got my heart around it, it slipped right through my hands,
Here with you I feel it,
I close my eyes and see it,

In a midnight talk, in a morning kiss,
When I'm in your arms, that's where it is,
When we're tangled up and can't resist,
When we feel that rush, that's where it is,
That's where it is

When I'm crashing through the madness,
Not sure who I'm supposed to be,
When I'm caught up in the darkness,
It's your hand that's leading me,
You bring me back to solid ground,
You lift me up right here, right now

I love this song....mmm 20 more days

"Spend My Life With You"
(feat. Tamia)

I never knew such a day could come
And I never knew such a love
Could be inside of one

And I never knew what my life was for
But now that you're here I know for sure

I never knew till I looked in your eyes
I was incomplete till the day you walked into my life
And I never knew that my heart could feel
So precious and pure
One love so real

Can I just see you every morning when
I open my eyes
Can I just feel your heart beating beside me
Every night
Can we just feel this way together
Till the end of all time
Can I just spend my life with you

Now baby the days and the weeks
And the years will roll by
But nothing will change the love inside
Of you and I

And baby I'll never find any words
That could explain
Just how much my heart my life
My soul you've changed

Can you run to these open arms
When no one else understands
Can we tell God and the whole world
I'm your woman, and you're my man
Can't you just feel how much I love you
With one touch of my hand
Can I just spend my life with you

No touch has ever felt so wonderful
(You are incredible)
And a deeper love I've never known
(I'll never let you go)
I swear this love is true
(Now and forever to you)
(only for you)
To you
Can I just see you every morning when

I open my eyes
Can I just feel your heart beating beside me
Every night
Can we just feel this way together
Till the end of all time
Can I just spend my life with you
Can you run to these open arms

When no one else understands
Can we tell God and the whole world
You're my woman, and you're my man
Can't you just feel how much I love you
With one touch of my hand
Can I just spend my life with you

Can I just spend my life with you
Can I just spend my life with you
(Forever here with you)
Can I just spend my life with you
Can I just see you every morning when I
Open my eyes

Life is Good

“Today is the day people, today is the day when dark and twisty Meredith disappears forever and bright and shiny Meredith takes her place. You're probably not going to want to be friends with me anymore because the sheer intensity of my happiness is going to make your teeth hurt but that's ok because life is good...life is good.”

Today is the day I finally can say...

I made the right choice for me.

and I am blissfully happy because of it.

and anyone who thinks I'm a moron or I made the wrong choice well... quite frankly my dear, "I just don't give a damn"

I'm going to continue on my cloud 9 status and get through my hectic week with a smile on my face and happiness in my heart.

and that is quite enough for me =)

“At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves.”

"Unappreciated"

[Chorus:]

I'm feeling really unappreciated.
Your takin` my love for granted, babe.
and I don't know how much more,
I can take from you.
You don't do the things you use to do.
You don't even say I love you too.
And lately I've been feeling,
Feeling unappreciated.

[Verse 1:]

Woke up this morning and saw your face
And you didn't look the same as yesterday.
I got the feeling that you can't seem to see,
Where you want to be.
And lately it ain't been the same at all.
When you're here its like I'm invisible
I still can't seem to see where I went wrong.
Cause I'm feeling

[Chorus:]

I'm feeling really unappreciated.
Your takin` my love for granted, babe.
and I don't know how much more,
I can take from you.
You don't do the things you use to do.
You don't even say I love you too.
And lately I've been feeling,
Feeling unappreciated.

[Verse 2:]

Lately our house is not a home
You come in, take a shower and then say I'm gone.
What am I to do
When my heart says leave
But my feet won't move
And today is our anniversary
And you haven't even said two words to me
I'm trying hard to give you another chance
But ooh baby I'm feeling

I'm feeling really unappreciated.
Your takin` my love for granted, babe.
and I don't know how much more,
I can take from you.
You don't do the things you use to do.
You don't even say I love you too.
And lately I've been feeling,
Feeling unappreciated.

[Verse 3:]

Oh when I first met you
I thought you was the most perfect man
That I ever seen
I still don't understand why
You treat me like you do
I use to give into your lies
But now I see the truth
Oh no I don't want to hear it I'm through
Yea I know I'll still be missing you
But it's not worth the pain
That I've gained from you
You make me feel
Unappreciated

[Chorus:]

I'm feeling really unappreciated.
Your takin` my love for granted, babe.
and I don't know how much more,
I can take from you.
You don't do the things you use to do.
You don't even say I love you too.
And lately I've been feeling,
Feeling unappreciated.

Don't love me no more
Heeey wooo hooo
I'm really feeling unappreciated.
I'm feeling unappreciated

No Air

"No Air"
(feat. Chris Brown)

Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air

If I should die before I wake
It's 'cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air
Oh

I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move, it's incomplete
If there was a way that I can make you understand

But how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

[Chorus:]
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
It's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gonna be without me
If you ain't here, I just can't breathe
It's no air, no air

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air, air

I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew
Right off the ground to float to you
There's no gravity to hold me down for real

But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath, but I survived
I don't know how, but I don't even care

So how do you expect me
to live alone with just me
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

[Chorus]

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No more
It's no air, no air

[Chorus x2]

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air, air

I don't have all the answers. in fact I don't have any answers. We love when our hearts tell us to. We pray, we beg God to change things. We hope it will all work out.

But there are few things harder than to look at someone you love, to stare at them and say, I love you but I'm not getting what I need. I don't want anyone else but I need these things, I NEED them...and...nothing changes...and you put your needs out there and you still love them and they want to move on like everything is ok and you just want to scream I love you, I love you, I love you...but I need...I just need certain things. and you're pretending everything is fine and it isn't fine. Can't you see? Can't you see that we're not alright? Can't you see that I love you with everything I have and I'd go to the end of the earth for you but I can't even get you to make a phone call or answer a text? Can't you see this killing me? That you're killing me because you're pitting me in very hard direction because I love you and the last thing I want to do is walk away. I don't want anyone else, not even a little, tiny bit. I just want you to grow up and figure it out. I'm so proud of you for getting your life together, I'm so proud. But I need more. I need...I need you to give me what I need.

and I can't push you away, that's not me. and when you give me what I need it's wonderful and amazing and I love every moment.

But then you pull away and I'm left standing here with every part of me hurting. But I put on a happy face and struggle inside. and struggle with what the right thing to do is. and no matter how strong my urge is to get out before I lose myself my heart whispers, "give it one more try"

and then you come back. and I love you so I welcome you and you give me what I need...and then you take away again.

I don't want to play games. I don't want to be manipulated. If you want something ask me. Don't you realize I'm stuck here? Can't you just man up? Be my man. that's what I need you to be.

Jordin Sparks Tattoo Lyrics

Oh, oh, oh
No matter what you say about love
I keep coming back for more
Keep my hand in the fire
Sooner or later, I'll get what I'm asking for

No matter what you say about life
I learn every time I bleed
That truth is a stranger
Soul is in danger, I gotta let my spirit be free

To admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I have to move on
And leave you behind

[Chorus]
I can't waste time so give it a moment
I realize, nothing's broken
No need to worry 'bout everything I've done
Live every second like it was my last one
Don't look back got a new direction
I loved you once, needed protection
You're still a part of everything I do
You're on my heart just like a tattoo

(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
[Tattoo lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

I'll always have you, I'll always have you)

I'm sick of playing all of these games
It's not about taking sides
When I looked in the mirror, didn't deliver
It hurt enough to think that I could

Stop, admit that I'm wrong
And then change my mind
Sorry but I gotta be strong
And leave you behind
(Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you
I'll always have you)

[Bridge]
If I live every moment
Won't change any moment
Still a part of me and you
I will never regret you
Still the memory of you
Marks everything i do

[Chorus x2]
Just like a tattoo
I'll always have you

“A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying.”

“At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.”

Sometimes....we are surprised...

and sometimes everything has to fall down and sometimes when the smoke clears and you look up you see a lot of things you didn't see before.

and sometimes you'll look at another person and think...how on EARTH did we get here?

and then (metaphorically) you'll take each other's hands and remember how this all came together in the first place.

you'll remember why you felt that way and then you'll know without a doubt

That this is the right thing to do.

and that it's the same...but it's different..because it's stronger...and you've listened...

and then...if you're lucky...they'll take your breathe away...

If you don't know me by now...

If you don't know me by now
You will never never never know me

All the things that we've been through
You should understand me like I understand you
Now girl I know the difference between right and wrong
I ain't gonna do nothing to break up our happy home
Oh don't get so excited when I come home a little late at night
Cos we only act like children when we argue fuss and fight

If you don't know me by now (If you don't know me)
You will never never never know me (No you won't)
If you don't know me by now
You will never never never know me

We've all got our own funny moods
I've got mine, woman you've got yours too
Just trust in me like I trust in you
As long as we've been together it should be so easy to do
Just get yourself together or we might as well say goodbye
What good is a love affair when you can't see eye to eye, oh

If you don't know me by now (If you don't know me)
You will never never never know me (No you won't)
If you don't know me by now (You will never never never know me)
You will never never never know me (ooh)

First off, I'd like to start off by saying I love this weather. It's still a little chilly, but the brighter days and the whipping wind and the rain...oh the rain.

there is something about rain that will always soothe my soul (when I'm not tromping around in it on campus sans umbrella). The rain is...the spring rain storms and the summer rain storms...they just do something to me. they quiet my soul. they are the times that I feel me the most.

sooo on to the not so happy/confused.

I'm in Switzerland.

That's my new answer for how I am. it's nice and neutral there.

but I'm not exactly neutral. I'm just confused.

There is only so long that you can jump up and down in front of a person, a person you love and say "look how cool I am! see, see all these great things about me, see, see!!!!! love me! see how cool and wonderful I am?"

and I think the opening song says it all. Which for the record...when I'm in my life going through my life, it's oldies songs that first pop into my head. Many people have informed me they would think country. no, no. It's what I first learned at my mama's side, singing in the car. on bad days I hear "mama said there'd be days like this, there'd be days like this my mama said" and lean on me when my friends are hurting and various other things. but here...this is how I feel.

If you don't know that I'd never hurt anyone if I could help it but that I'd fight for love and my kids and my family the best I can until I die....then...

if you don't know that I'm not really crazy..

that if you don't know that I love to share my good moods and my joy and shout from the rooftops when things are going well for me and I'm doing it because I'm so happy, not to rub in your face how wonderful I am.....then...

and if by now....you still don't know if you love me..then...

if you still don't know that I want you to tell me sweet dreams every night and good morning every morning.

or that sending me a short cute message just once a day makes me heart soar.

or that making dinner together is a great thing and that I'm very capable in the kitchen.

that I'd die before I'd hurt someone if at all possible.

that I run myself to death all the time and I'm making extra time and putting a smile on for you and I do it happily but it's draining me..


if you're just not sure...that you know me...by now..

I can't make that decision for you. I can't make you love me. Hell, I can't even make you like me.

and I can't explain me anymore. I can't explain that I'll try to compromise and I'll try to work so that we're both happiest....

but I can't change me into something I'm not.

I can't pretend I'm not feeling something when I am and I can't pretend feeling something when I'm not.

I don't know.

I can't make these decisions for you. I can't force anything on you.

and yet I can't exactly change my heart either.

So I'm in Switzerland. and until I can get out.. I'm stuck. very stuck.

waiting for you. waiting for Godot. waiting for you to realize how wonderful I am and for you to realize how wonderful I honest to God think you are.

but I can't do any of that for you. and nothing I can say will change how you feel or how I feel or how any of this goes.

So I'm just stuck. in switerland. waving my little switerland flag. quietly.

and missing you. and wishing that you'd take me somewhere else.

like Florida. it's sunny and warm there. and it's not very neutral. it's happy. and sandy.

and I will, I will wait because I'm stuck. but I'm still saying....if you don't know me by now...

then I don't know what to do.

never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I’m missing you and I’m wishing you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go?
You could have let me know; so now I’m all alone

Girl you could have stayed but you wouldn’t give me a chance
With you not around it’s a little bit more than I can stand
And all my tears they keep runnin’ down my face
Why did you turn away?

So why does your pride make you run and hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it’s a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you want it to be

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I find it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you

Been a long time since you called me
(How could you forget about me)
You gotta be feeling crazy
How can you walk away
(When) Everything stays the same
I just can’t do it baby

What will it take to make you come back
Girl I told you what it is and it just ain’t like that
Why can’t you look at me?
You’re still in love with me
[ Wait For You lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
Don’t leave me crying

Baby why can’t we just start all over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But you’re telling me it won’t be enough

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I find it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you

So why does your pride make you run and hide
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it’s a lie what you’re keeping inside
That is not how you want it to be

Baby I will wait for you
Baby I will wait for you
If it’s the last thing I do

Baby I will wait for you
Cause I don’t know what else I can do
Don’t tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I find it just ain’t true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do
I’ll wait for you
I’ll be waiting …

Let me, be me.

This post isn't going to be coherent. Probably b/c I should be in bed. because if I added up all the hours of sleep I've gotten in the past week...I'm not sure I'd both hands...so I'm probably a little punch drunk.

Here's the thing. Right now, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I just found out I have sweet results from my thesis. Possibly publishable as a lead author results.

and as soon as I said this...everyone said "see grad school... grad school. phd ...masters"

and for once I didn't doubt me. I actually got a little annoyed.

I don't know what I want to do and in all honesty, I'm still finding out who I am. If I looked back, I'd tell you that I chose psychology because I knew I'd get almost all A's. and that's what I do, I get all A's.

and I'm proud of what i've done. I am. I've done some great things.

but you know what? I don't know what I want to do. I don't know if I want to teach cancer patients at Children's. If I want to go back and get my teaching masters. If I want to be a personal trainer for real. Or if I want to climb mountains. if I want to be a counselor.

I. don't. know.

and I ran through my undergrad. and mostly I did what was expected of me, what the world wanted.

and I had this picture of the perfect life in my head. school, engaged...babies.


but you know what? life..

life is about you. and about the people in your life. but mostly..it's about you. and the choices you make.

and if other people don't agree with your choices...that's ok. because you're the one going through your life. just you. and if people really love you, then they'll be there for you when you ask. and when you cry they'll hurt for you and they'll wish the absolute best for you.

but I don't want to be rushed anymore. Maybe I'm not on the road to marriage and babies, but that DOES NOT mean I have to be on the academic high road.

I can support myself by working at BW's if I really want to. I've proved it. so does everyone else i work with. God blessed me when he gave me that job. He helped to give me friends, some of my best and dearest and closest friends of my college career...never went to college.

and I'm not saying that's the right road EITHER. What I'm saying is...I need room. I need room to figure out what I want...because I don't know. Career wise I HAVE NO CLUE. none. and I'm okay with that. and I can't rush and hurry because that's NOT how I'm going to figure it out.

So don't rush me. You won't win, you'll only anger me and make me resist even more. Don't make me be a waitress for the rest of my life.

I kid a bit. Maybe being a waitress is the right road for me. I somewhat doubt it. but we'll see.


I have to make me happy. and I realize that I had a bad, very bad, tendency to run to people when I'm hurt and upset. and psychologically then, I want you to make me feel better and side with me and agree with me.

but sometimes it takes that person that says umm hey..you might not be right...or hey..have you looked at it like this?

At the end of the day, I have to look myself in the mirror. and I'll know when my heart is happy, truly happy. because Lord knows I've lied a million times in the past, put on a happy face and fooled my own parents.

and now.. I'm older..and a little wiser.

and I'm going to do what I think I should. What my heart tells me to do and maybe sometimes what my brain tells me.

But I'm going to make those decisions. me. myself. and I.

and even, even if you think I'm going to fall FLAT on my face. If you think I'm sticking my hand on a hot stove...

let me decide. and if I need you. be there for me.


but let me decide. and don't be disappointed in me. because I'm finding myself, which sounds cliche but it's something I need to do. for real.

and i'm not worried. I am sure i will find it.

but I've got to slow down...maybe not right now...maybe not until after I graduate.

but i need time, I want time and I deserve time. to figure it out.


and right now I'm following my heart. and many that are older, wiser, or even younger and more experienced are going to think "yeah, right...following your heart..dumb"


okay...think that. but I'm still going to do it. I'm going to do it in my personal life and I'm going to do it in my career. Until I'm sure, I'm positive, that something won't work. or that something makes me unhappy or that something isn't worth it. or something is right or wrong.

but I'm going to figure that out myself. I NEED to figure that out myself. and maybe it is youthful and childish to think that following your heart and finding yourself are important.

but you know...I could afford to mess up a few more times in my life. I hear you learn more that way.


and I'll land on my feet.

but i swear if you judge me or you say "you're not standing up for yourself" or "you're not reaching your full potential" or anything like that about the decisions I'm making FOR ME, for my heart and my soul and MY LIFE. I swear to God it will take all my strength to not smack you in the face.

I'm tired of dancing to the same beat. somebody else's drum. and I'm not blaming anyone. I do this to myself. Nobody forces me to follow them or what they say. I internalize it and then do (see what my degree has taught me?)


and even if it hurts later. and even if I drain my savings and a work a millions hours at a dead end job or I become a teacher or a nurse or an exotic dancer and you HATE what I'm doing.

don't tell me. because I'm just gonna keep doing it.

and I'm not gonna change. I'm going to follow my heart. I'm going to do what I think is right. I'm never going to be that bitch that lays down the law to her man. I'm always going to be the one that wants to talk it out. That one that gives a million chances.

because I expect people to give me a million chances. because I'm so far from perfect it isn't even funny. Sometimes I think I look awfully perfect on paper but you know what? I've got a hell of a lot to learn about real life.

so I'm going to take some time. and I'm going to follow what inside me tells me is right. and I'm not going to change and be some feminist. and you know what? sometimes I'm probably going to back down earlier than most people would. call me a doormat, a floormat or anything you wish. But I'm not changing what I believe with every part of me is right. Even if in the end things don't work the way I expect or want or anything.

Sometimes our lives aren't fairytales. In fact, most times they aren't.

because we're human. and we make mistakes. and we do stupid things we know are stupid. and we mess up.

and maybe the world would be happy if I was on track for a phd program in California. to make some big name for myself and date and marry some guy that brings me flowers all the time and never ever makes mistakes except like leaving a wet towel on the floor. oh and he's making a zillion dollars and has our children mapped out on a financial schedule. and he always sits down and talks to me about his feelings. and we never disagree except about like paint colors.

I don't do things I don't have to work hard for. and if I do, I realize that they weren't very important.

so maybe in my life in all kinds of aspects right now, career, personal, financial, educational, emotional, psychological, physical I'm sticking my hand a hot stove.

but you best believe I wouldn't change any of it for the world. I believe in everything I'm doing that it's the right thing. and you know maybe it'll turn out that it isn't.

but all I can do is my best. and make sure that I think that it's the best thing.

because it's my opinion that matters.

so let me be me.

Hope

I need to be sleeping.

but you know how I know I'm going to be okay?

because that little girl? that niece of mine makes me happier than anything in the world. happier than any man ever has. because that little girl is joy. joy in a bundle.

and because my brother is a rock and my sister is a soft place to fall. and my brother is a good man. and my brother and sister are happy and a beautiful family.

and that's what I want. something of course my own, not identical...

but that..that kind of thing is worth waiting for.

and even as friends I have a million men that carefully showing me that all men are not evil. that good men do exist and that I deserve the best. the absolute best. and I have a million and five big brothers in this world because God let me find them as friends.

and when that beautiful little girl smiles and she steals my heart, every part...

I know that I am capable of loving and I know that God has a plan for me.

and until my plan unfolds, I have a beautiful, wonderful, amazing, little girl to light the way and show me that hope. hope is always there even if it's covered.

Do No Harm.

"She's not. She's a human traffic accident, and everybody's slowing down to look at the wreckage. She's doing the best she can with what she has left, and I know you can't see this, 'cause you're in it, but you can't help her now! You'll only make it worse. So walk away. Go!"

Greys

Why ask me if I'm okay or how I'm doing? You don't really want to know that I'm barely keeping it together. That everyday I wake up and find out I'm not dead, throw on my workout clothes, grab my school and work stuff and stumble out the door. Then I attempt to go through my day like a normal human being. I fakely smile and pretend laugh. and I bake, god I bake an amount no female ever should. An amount that there isn't room for. and when I run out of things like cream cheese, I get in my car and I go get more and I bake every night until I can't anymore. Then I do my homework and then at the last possible moment I shower, which is always where I start to cry. Then I do my nightly routine which I started when we started dating and then I cry some more. Then when it's really late I take some drugs so I can sleep eventually and I crawl into my bed. I rub my feet together so hard that I've made a hole in my sheet. And I cry and I try to stop the memories from flooding my brain and then I finally pass out somewhere between 4 and 5. Sometimes I work all night when it's the weekend.

You don't really want to know that, so why are you asking me? Why are you asking me how I am? You broke my heart. I'm heartbroken that's how I am.

But you know what I still can't do? Intentionally hurt you. Because I still love you. Which isn't really a fun place to be because I'm 100% sure you don't love me. and I'm sure we're a terrible pair. Although I'm sad, so very sad...I don't wonder if today is going to be a day you talk to me or you're mad at me. I don't wonder what I did or didn't do. I don't worry that you'll want to spend time together tonight when I really don't have the time and I haven't slept in 3 days but I just can't turn you down.

So I still can't tell you that I'm heartbroken. That I feel like I'm dying. like my heart had a knife stuck in it and turned and then someone reached in and tore my heart out and now there's just a big gaping hole there.

So instead I say other things. I say that nothing positive will come out of me telling you how I am and that I'm a bad liar. But I'm glad that you're doing well and that you said hello.

Because I love you.

and because even though maybe, maybe there would be sweet revenge in telling you that you've pulled the rug out from under me. maybe you could feel a little bit badly..

but see I can't. because I can take the pain this time. Sometimes when we were together I couldn't and you'd get caught in the line of my threshold being broken. and sometimes you got hurt because you hurt me and I hated that. But now...

I won't hurt you. I won't even make you feel the slightest bit uncomfortable. because that's me.

and everyone tells me I need to change. That telling it like it is is standing up for yourself. and that it's a weakness that I give everyone a million chances and that I don't make them hurt when I hurt. But I REFUSE to look at that as a weakness. Yes, maybe I'll get hurt more often and maybe I'll fall. But God blessed with this gift, this gift of being able to take so much from another without hurting them. And I will not apologize for it and I will not try to change it. I simply accept it and thank God for it because in this world of selfishness and individualism I think it's a most beautiful and precious gift.

which means I won't tell you how bad it hurts. and I won't make you feel guilty. and I won't ever hate you. and if you need a kidney in 20 years I'll give you one.

But I have to heal. I want to heal. and You don't love me. so please. I am exactly as the grey's quote that opened this post says. and I'm barely, barely keeping it together in a time when I need to have it all together. So I beg you, if you love me, then love me...but if you don't. just let me hurt. let my wonderful, amazing, friends and family help me. But I can't stop loving you if you won't let me show myself that I can do this. and god I wish you'd talk to me everyday and I wish you'd be the man I always wanted you to be. I wish you'd done all the things I needed you to do. and I'm sure you wished many things about me. But neither of us quite fit the other's mold. and you don't want to try and fix it, I already know. And I can't be that girl. And I know that we can't be friends. not real friends. so please. know that I love you more than anyone...but I understand that you don't love me and I can't and won't make you love me. but I need...room to breath.

And someday...someday far far away I hope to God that I love someone else. and I hope someday you love someone else too.